Monday Story: Cleaning Blunder

Radnor Natural Rubber Latex Gloves

Twice a month, I assist my mother in cleaning a large office building. It was a Thursday evening, so some of the office staff hadn’t left yet. We were working on the lower level bathrooms, and I was telling my mom another funny story about my daughter Isabella. I was in the woman’s restroom mopping the floor, when my mother walked into the men’s. Finishing my task, I picked up my mop bucket and joined her in the men’s bathroom. I continued my story. “And then Bella said….” My sentence dropped off when my mother looked over to me and her eyes got huge. With a trash bag in hand, she rushed out the door. I was confused. I slowly turned around to see what she was looking at. And then I saw it. A man stood at the urinal, silent as a mouse. I raced out and found my mother inside the woman’s restroom. We looked at each other, mortified.

“I had already cleaned the sink and took out the trash bag, before you came in,” said my mother. “I never saw him there, and he didn’t say anything.”

“You rushed outta there so fast; I didn’t know what was going on. Then I turned around and saw him!”

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know. I think he had blondish hair.”

“He was wearing a polo shirt and khakis.”

“I can’t believe he just stood there and never said anything!”

We busted into fits of laughter.

That poor guy. He was so embarrassed. He was scared stiff at the urinal.

 

Monday Story: Port-O-Captive

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It was Friday night, junior year of high school. I was a cheerleader for Hamilton High, and we were at an “away” football game. Fourth quarter came to a close with our boys taking the win. It was time to pack up and load the buses for home. I knew it was a distance and should use the restroom before we left. But they didn’t have proper toilet facilities.

They had Port-O-Johns.

Stepping inside, two things automatically greeted me. Stench and Darkness. Only a little ray of moonlight peeked inside through a vent at the top. Nevertheless, I sucked it up and got the job done. I wanted to get out as quick as possible. Turning the lever to unlock, I pushed the door. It didn’t open. I shoved harder. Still, it didn’t budge.

My heart rate increased. I turned the lock the other way, wondering if I had done it wrong. Giving the door the old heave ho, I slammed my weight into it. It didn’t open…not even a crack.

Sweat formed on my brow. I listened to see if anyone was around. I didn’t hear voices. My mind speed-dialed panic. I’m trapped! Everyone is getting on the bus, and they won’t notice me missing. Between the horrid smell and the bitter taste of dread, a wire tripped inside my brain and the craziness kicked in. At the top of my lungs, I yelled, “Help! Help Me! I’m stuck in here! Please, help me!” I didn’t hear anyone coming. My heart chugged like a locomotive. Tears edged to the surface. Merciful heavens, no one is coming. I’m stuck in this disgusting hole and nobody is coming to my rescue! I kicked the door, pounded it with my fists, and screamed for help.

My eyes darted around the John, looking for another way out. I studied the vent. It was small, but maybe I could push it out and stick my head through it. Then, I could see if anyone was still here. Standing on the toilet lid, I prepared to punch the screen when the door clicked and swung open.

There stood Angie, a fellow cheerleader along with other members of my cheer squad.

I scrambled out of the Port-O-Prison. “Oh Angie, thank you for getting the door open.”

“It wasn’t hard.” She crossed her arms and grinned. “How did you manage to lock yourself in there?”

My eyes were wide from the horror. “I don’t know. It wouldn’t budge, and I thought you guys were going to leave me.”

The girls broke out into heaps of laughter. “No, we didn’t leave. Everyone heard you screaming.”

Well, you’d scream to if you were a Port-O-Captive.

Monday Story: Like a Chicken With Its Head Cut Off

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It was a hard winter for my chickens, and I had three girls in quarantine in my bathroom basement due to faulty vents (The place where eggs come out was swollen and bleeding). I had two hens in cardboard boxes and one in the stand-up shower. I was doing everything in my power to nurse these hens to health: Sitz baths, rubbing peroxide and vaseline on their bottoms, wheat diet, keeping them warm, and limiting the light in the room so they wouldn’t lay as many eggs. This continued for over a week, and my bathroom was stinky. The girls seemed to have improved, but the moment I returned them to the chicken coop, their condition declined again. Moreover, chickens are crazy, if a hen shows signs of sickness, the others will attack it. So now my three ill hens were in worse shape than before.

In the end, my husband and I had to make a tough call. We had to put the sick hens down. Trouble was, we still lived in the city, so we were going have to do the deed in the garage. My husband set up a chopping block and sharpened the ax.

I picked up Lola and gave her a hug goodbye. I held her still on the block, and my heart raced inside my chest. My husband swung the ax and missed. He swung again, but the blade must not have been sharp enough. A couple more whacks, and her head still wasn’t off but she seemed dead. He put her upside down in a 5 gallon bucket to drain out but then she started flapping around. I screamed, “She’s not dead! You didn’t do it right!” Tears streamed down my face. “Do something!”

He pulled her out of the bucket and set her back on the block. This time he actually got the head off, but Lola jolted and slipped out of his grasp. She fell onto the floor and sprang off the pavement, nearly as high as my shoulder.

I screamed, cried, and ran around the garage to avoid the jumping chicken.

After several hops, she finally fell down still.

My heart was pounding so hard, and my eyes were bulging in horror. I couldn’t believe that had just happened.

I turned to my husband. “You need to sharpen that ax.”

 

Monday Story: “Pride Goes Before the Rip”

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Happy New Year to all my readers! This 2015, I’m doing something new. Instead of the Monday Morning Joke…I’m going to tell you short, true stories, mostly that have happened to me, that will also make you laugh.

Today’s story did in fact happen to me and while at the time it didn’t seem so funny, I now look back on it and think, “Girl, you had that coming.”

I was seventeen, and loved to dance. Any opportunity to go dancing, I snatched. And truth be told, I thought I was good at it and liked to show off a bit too much.

The local Fish and Game Club was having a special dance, and my second cousin was the guest DJ. It was supposed to be sensational, and I couldn’t wait. I took great care in deciding my apparel for the evening. I wore a snazzy navy knit top and pants. The pants were unusual in the sense that they zipped up in the back. I felt like a million bucks.

When my friends and I arrived, we made our rounds. A song came on that we all loved and we got down. Trouble was I really got down. I pulled out all the stops and showed off my moves. I did a roll and dropped it real low. That’s when I felt a small pop. I slowly rose and wondered why there was a sudden draft by my behind. I turned to my friends and said, “Is something wrong with my pants?” Their eyes grew to the size of plums, and they quickly closed in around me, ushering me to the bathroom. Once safely inside, they turned me toward the mirror. Now my eyes got huge.

The seam had blown beside the zipper and my pants were gaping. My underwear shined through the hole like a beacon. Lord have mercy! I was mortified. I wanted to crawl in a hole. But that night, I learned a valuable lesson. Don’t be a show off. And more so, don’t wear tight pants whilst doing it.

Moral of the story: Pride goes before the rip.

What about you?

Has pride led to an embarrassing moment for you? Feel free to share it on my author page: http://www.facebook.com/authorcatiecordero

 

 

 

 

 

Monday Morning Joke: Chuck Norris

If you haven’t ever heard Chuck Norris jokes, Today is the day.

 

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Chuck Norris doesn’t eat honey, he eats bees.

Chuck Norris never uses a watch – he decides what time it is now.

When Chuck Norris comes into the room, he does not turn on the light – he turns off the darkness.

Chuck Norris won’t ever experience a heart attack – the heart is not that foolish to attack him.

Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, the cobra died a day later.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take crap from anybody.

 

Reference: http://www.funny-jokes-quotes.com/chuck-norris-jokes.html

Monday Morning Joke: Put the Pizazz back into the Marriage

I only know a few jokes by memory that I retell…this is one of them.

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A couple were now in their eighties and about to celebrate their 65th anniversary.

At breakfast that morning the wife said to the husband, “We’ve been married a long time and I love you very much, but I feel like we don’t have the same pizazz we once had in our marriage. Do you remember when we used to eat breakfast in the nude?”

The husband smiled. “Yes, I remember.”

“What if we did that again?” said the wife. “How about tomorrow morning?”

The husband agreed.

The following morning, the husband and wife settled down at the table for breakfast wearing nothing but smiles.

The wife gazed at her husband and said, “I think its working. I have a warm sensation in my breasts.”

The husband’s forehead creased. “Actually honey, I think that’s because one of them is hanging in your coffee and the other is sitting in the eggs.”

 

Picture Reference: http://atimetolivelaughandlove.blogspot.com/2013/04/dont-mess-with-senior-citizens.html

#mondaymorningjoke #marriagehumor