Monday Morning Joke: A Farmer’s Odd Request

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Farmer Barry drove to the neighboring farm and knocked on the door.

Neil, age 9, answered the door.

“Is yer Dad home?” Farmer Barry demanded.

“No, sir, he ain’t,” Neil replied. “He went into town.”

“Well, then,” inquired Barry, “Is yer Mom here?”

“No, sir, she ain’t here neither. She went into town with Dad.”

“How about your brother? Is he here?”

“He went with Mom and Dad,” explained Neil patiently.

Farmer Barry stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to the other and muttering to himself.

“Is there anything I can do fer ya?” Neil asked politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer Dad.”

“Well, it’s difficult,” answered Barry uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer Dad. It’s about your brother getting my daughter pregnant.”

Neil considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to Pa about that,” he finally conceded. “If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $600 for the bull and $60 for the hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets fer Howard.”

 

Reference: http://www.guy-sports.com/months/jokes_farmer.htm

Picture: http://www.shippyrodeobulls.com/2006bulls2.html

Monday Morning Joke: Pick-Up Lines

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Love can be tricky. Here are some specific pick-up lines that just might assist you.

 

Mathematician:

You must be the square root of two, ‘cuz I feel irrational around you.

 

Candy Maker:

Hersey’s makes millions of kisses a day. All I’m asking for is one from you.

 

Medieval:

You’re plague-free, I’m plague-free–we must be destined to meet.

 

Flight Attendant:

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I push my beverage cart by you again?

 

Astronaut:

You look weightless to me.

 

Pirate:

You have the finest pirate booty I’ve ever laid me eyes on.

 

Traffic Cop:

I should give you a parking ticket because you’ve got FINE written all over you.

 

Redneck:

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

 

Viking:

I bet your lips taste like salted fish.

 

Singer:

Our love could make a beautiful melody.

 

Old Folks Home:

You better call life support because I’ve fallen for you and can’t get up.

 

Librarian:

I don’t have my library card right now, so I’ll just check you out.

 

Dietitian: 

I think you’re suffering from a lack of vitamin me.

 

Secretary of State Worker:

I like your last name. Can I have it?

 

Writer:

If you were words on a page, you would be fine print.

 

Reference:

http://jokes.cc.com/funny-pick-up-lines

Picture: http://www.freeimages.com/photo/841896

Monday Morning Joke: Chuck Norris

If you haven’t ever heard Chuck Norris jokes, Today is the day.

 

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Chuck Norris doesn’t eat honey, he eats bees.

Chuck Norris never uses a watch – he decides what time it is now.

When Chuck Norris comes into the room, he does not turn on the light – he turns off the darkness.

Chuck Norris won’t ever experience a heart attack – the heart is not that foolish to attack him.

Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, the cobra died a day later.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn’t take crap from anybody.

 

Reference: http://www.funny-jokes-quotes.com/chuck-norris-jokes.html

Monday Morning Joke: Put the Pizazz back into the Marriage

I only know a few jokes by memory that I retell…this is one of them.

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A couple were now in their eighties and about to celebrate their 65th anniversary.

At breakfast that morning the wife said to the husband, “We’ve been married a long time and I love you very much, but I feel like we don’t have the same pizazz we once had in our marriage. Do you remember when we used to eat breakfast in the nude?”

The husband smiled. “Yes, I remember.”

“What if we did that again?” said the wife. “How about tomorrow morning?”

The husband agreed.

The following morning, the husband and wife settled down at the table for breakfast wearing nothing but smiles.

The wife gazed at her husband and said, “I think its working. I have a warm sensation in my breasts.”

The husband’s forehead creased. “Actually honey, I think that’s because one of them is hanging in your coffee and the other is sitting in the eggs.”

 

Picture Reference: http://atimetolivelaughandlove.blogspot.com/2013/04/dont-mess-with-senior-citizens.html

#mondaymorningjoke #marriagehumor