my journey through miscarriage

No one ever expects to walk the road of loss. In our minds and hearts, we hope for better things, happier things, but sometimes life sets us on a detour.

My detour came in 2011 when my husband and I lost our first child, and then it happened again in 2012, when we lost a second baby. Heartbreak doesn’t begin to fully encompass the pain. It doesn’t describe the complete let down, ripped open, barrenness of dream, time, and life. I have wept and still weep many tears. It’s hard to describe the great depths of emptiness and grief. It’s a messy thing, this grieving. It rolls in and out. It is never once and done. Sometimes, it will catch you off-guard when something triggers a memory. Suddenly, I’m standing in an aisle at Meijer wanting to weep.

One thing I have learned about grief—it’s oftentimes lonely. I rested in a space of unyielding pain, feeling lost. The world continued to go on around me but I was cemented in place.

Every year, I encounter more and more friends that have grieved the loss of a child. It’s like a secret club that you only discover once you yourself have suffered loss. It’s a sad thing that most women don’t talk about, and yet, it’s so very common. So many women have suffered the death of a child. Many of us are in the club.

That’s why I decided to share my full story in a book form. Standing Lost is a collection of my journal entries, my pleas to God, and my grasping for ways to somehow go on. This small book is a way of saying- “You’re not alone. I’ve been there too.”


The book is currently available as an eBook on amazon
CLICK HERE: https://amzn.to/2HjjTPm

The paperback copy will be available on May 24th

 

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A STORY OF LOVE AND LOSS: I NEED YOU TO VOTE TODAY: Here’s Why…

You probably don’t know my dear friends, Jake and Kari Dunham, but I’m asking you to help them today.

For anyone who has experienced Infertility or Miscarriage, you understand the longing, heartache, and pain. Jake and Kari understand these two things all too well.

JAKE AND KARI HAVE A BEAUTIFUL STORY. They have been married for 11 years, but they knew each since the fourth grade.

They became best friends and that friendship never stopped. Only grew stronger.

 

They married on May 4, 2007. They’ve wanted a baby since. They tried many procedures that have not worked. On April 15, 2017, Kari finally received a positive test, Jake and her thought their dream was finally coming true. But on April 29, the doctor called saying the pregnancy was ectopic and would require immediate surgical attention. After 10 years of hoping for a baby, their hearts felt shattered.

But the desire to grow their family has never left. Only grown stronger.

And now, they have a big chance. The Fertility Center is offering to pay a full procedure of IVF to a couple in the Flip the Script contest. There are 8 finalists. Whoever receives the most votes will win.

Jake and Kari NEED this. They need to win because IVF is very expensive. Please, help make their dream of a baby into a reality.
WE NEED YOUR VOTE. Voting is open until Thursday, May 3rd.

HOW: click this link: https://www.facebook.com/tfcmi/ (This is the homepage of the Fertility Center. Then scroll down to Our Story: Jake and Kari Dunham. LIKE their actual post, not the video.) LIKING THEM IS YOUR VOTE.

Thank you for taking time out today to help them.

Band-Aid The Broken

I decided to re-post this blog because several friends of mine are experiencing the same pain that prompted me to write this over a year ago.

Band-Aid the Broken

As many of you know, I lost my daughter Shiloh in December 2011. I felt like my heart was split wide open, aching and bleeding. Four months later, my sister lost her first baby. I felt my heart’s wound widen and the pain grow deeper. Then in August of 2012, I lost another baby, my darling Selah. I didn’t know how a heart so torn with grief could continue to beat. And sometimes, I wondered how I was still living when I felt dead inside.

Through that pain I journaled:

Surviving a Broken Heart
The news comes so unexpectedly
At first all is well, then ends in tragedy
To lose a life so small it seems
Unfair with all the sorrow it brings
How can a heart survive the blow
That grief drives in so deep, so low
It filters through the body and more
The spirit, the soul, they all feel sore
Lord mend the wound that bleeds inside
Send peace and grace into my mind
I can’t walk this journey alone
I need your help to make me strong

One night as I lie sleepless in bed,  God showed me an incredible picture.

I saw my heart with a jagged wound down the middle, but pulling the wound closed was a big pink “Hello Kitty” Band-Aid. I could tell the wound wasn’t bleeding anymore and that it was sealing shut with the help of the Band-Aid.

A memory flashed through my mind of me as a child repeatedly falling off my bike and scraping my knees. I’d come into the house crying. My knees would hurt so bad. They’d be torn up and bleeding. Dad or Mom would rub my back and tell me it’s going to be okay. They’d wash away the blood, put on triple-antibiotic ointment, apply a Band-Aid, and place a kiss on the boo-boo and say, “All Better.”

This is what Father God is doing for me.

I came to Him with my torn heart. He looked at the wound and said, “It’s going to be okay.” He wiped away my tears and rubbed my back. Then He washed the wound clean with His love. He applied a potent triple antibiotic salve of peace and covered the wound with a Band-Aid. Placing a kiss on the boo-boo, He says, “It will heal.”

Thank you, Lord.

Thank you that you Band-Aid the broken hearts.

I put my trust in you.

My heart is safe in Your hands.

Thanks Daddy, I’m feeling much better.